in this festive season, there is something unhappy bugging me. as though two ends are pulling me apart, but not the two ends i'm used to. instead, i find that i can't join for gatherings that i would have loved to go. and somehow, in the silence following my rejection, i hear reproaches and grumbles. i'm sad, not because i chose one over the other, i didn't. this time i wasn't free cause arrangements had been earlier to receiving your sms. but combined with the previous times i was unable to go, i feel like i'm slowly being excluded from your activities, and i feel your disappointment, so i feel sad. sad that in your eyes, being with one excludes me from the other, that you cant accept one another, that there are conflicts with my free time. don't know how to explain that i could meet you if much advance warning was given so i can reschedule my time for all.

rejecting from the start is such a saddening thing to do, but to attempt to relieve the stressful tension is something i am too cowardly to face. i wonder what will happen in the future, both are important to me, and i don't wish for continual unfriendliness. perhaps there is nothing i can change, as temperaments and characters that are vastly different have already dictated the ending.